I Choose Masterbation

I understand that the act may not be as fulfilling as the real deal, but I sincerely think that men are better done away with. I know we need them to procreate, and I am sure for a myriad of other reasons... but I am not interested in minor details. I am starting to think that I enjoy the company of my cat more than I will ever enjoy the company of a man. This is undesirable for two reasons. First, I am too pretty to be a cat lady. Second, I don't like cats.

My experience over the last few years has taught me several things about the inner workings of man's mind. There are no "inner" workings. All of the thinking done by a man is done by his penis. The penis is clearly located on the outside of the body. My chagrin in this confession is only in that it took me several years.

The most important thing that I have learned is that men only see women friends in two ways. There are there pretty girls that they eventually hope to have sex with and tell everyone, and then there are the not-so-pretty girls that they keep around so that they can a) have sex with them and tell no one, or b) say "look at my relationship with PlainJane, I clearly don't try to have sex with all my woman friends", hoping this will help them score with a pretty friend.

Unfortunately, I often fall into the pretty-girl-to-try-and-have-sex-with column. More often than not I fall for it. They don't try to sleep with you right away... no, that would be to easily registered on the pretty girl radar. They build up to it slowly, you miss the details, you lose your mind and start thinking this may be a good idea. It is all about the big picture right? That is my problem, the big picture, and with the big picture I am an optimist... as long as it will somehow benefit me. Lets go for an example:

Baseball Coach- " Jenn, remember that pitcher always throws low... don't swing"
Jenn- "Okay Coach"
Jenn lied
Jenn swings
Jenn swings again
Jenn catches on and decides not to swing for the next one
Pitcher thinks Jenn is moron

Then something else happens and the pitcher and Jenn go have copious amounts of sex.

Back on topic.

Once your friend successfully nails you, you share a brief courtship... don't be fooled, it is only so he can brag to all his friends that he nailed the hot girl. Eventually this fades because he realizes that as a woman, you are in fact, insane. By insane, I mean, perfectly good but difficult for him to understand. By difficult for him to understand, I mean that he is as intellectually capable as a drunken child behind the wheel of a car.

Now you have to figure out how to be friends with someone you were perfectly good friends with before you had copius amounts of sex. And by friends, I mean people who have stopped having sex. And by sex, I mean hoping you don't break a rib trying not to laugh at his sex face and mentally redecorating your bedroom.